


Selfish Kind of Love

by NightOwl1600



Series: Ric Grayson Trying His Best [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, But sometimes love is pain, Damian Wayne is a good brother, Dick Grayson is a Good Brother, Duke Thomas is a Good Brother, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, No one really means to hurt anyone, Ric Grayson Fix-It, Ric Grayson is trying to be a good brother, Ric is trying his best, TW Damian's traumatic past, They are all trying to be good and that's whats so fucked up about it, Tim Drake is a Good Brother, batbros, but he doesn't understand, but like not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightOwl1600/pseuds/NightOwl1600
Summary: Ric doesn't think that the whole vigilante get-up is healthy, much less safe for someone as young as Damian. As he tries to build a better, healthier life for himself as Ric, he is also going to try his damn best to drag Damian (and whichever other siblings he can get) along with him. He's accepted that he'll never feel right unless he can save these kids from the hell that got him shot in the head in the first place. He's doing it because someone has to care about these kids. He's doing it because its right.He's doing it for them.Or"Is this about us?" Tim asks. "Or is it about you and your conscience?"TW for dealing with past trauma
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Duke Thomas & Dick Grayson, Duke Thomas & Ric Grayson, Ric Grayson & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Ric Grayson
Series: Ric Grayson Trying His Best [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741918
Comments: 35
Kudos: 165





	1. A Normal Life

**Author's Note:**

> So I have no idea what's going on with the Ric situation anymore, I haven't been keeping up. But I found some old dialogue gems I wrote while the Ric thing was still hot and I thought I just finish the fic since it was really too good to pass up. It's going to end up being four chapters, and there's not going to be a big conclusion like Ric becomes Dick again or something. Its mostly just speculating about how much Ric and Dick may or may not be different. 
> 
> Its also about trying to figure out what it means to really love someone.
> 
> I'm not really sure if I got my concepts out clearly and I seriously hope this doesn't offend anyone. I don't own any of these characters or nothing so pls dont sue me lol.
> 
> Anyways, if you're into that stuff then go on in and I hope you enjoy!

There are a lot of things in his life that Ric doesn’t know. Most of which can be attributed to the amnesia he’s recently been hit with. Strictly speaking, he doesn’t remember anything that happened after the accident at circus, the night his parents died, but sometimes he gets glimmers. Sometimes there are small moments or places he’ll remember one second and then its gone the next. Sometimes, if the light hits just right, and if he tilts his head just the right way, everything falls into place. The memories might not be back, but the feeling like he knows he’s where he wants to be, it comes back.

Moments like today, where he takes his littlest brother, Damian, to the arcade (at least he thinks Damian is the youngest, its hard to tell when there are so many people to remember). There’s something so natural to this, like his body has memorized the steps and he doesn’t need to think twice about what he’s doing and whether or not this is a Dick or a Ric thing. Its just something he does, whoever he may be at the moment.

The best part is that Damian, the little gremlin kid, doesn’t treat him like he’s walking on eggshells. He’s bossy as hell and has a huge ego, but he doesn’t treat Ric like he’s a stranger impersonating Dick Grayson. The kid has an attitude problem, but at least that means Ric is not the only socially challenged one in this duo. Together, Ric thinks that their awkwardness somehow cancelled each other out. 

But as he watches Damian decide on his prize at the ticket counter, there’s something he has been itching to ask. He doesn’t quite think he can live with himself if he doesn’t try. 

“Hey, Damian?” Ric begins cautiously, making sure it keep his voice hushed.

“What is it Grayson?” Damian demands.

“Why do you do it?” Ric tries to put as much implication in his voice as he can so Damian understands what he’s talking about.

“Do what? Be more specific.” 

“Why do you do the, you know?” Ric raises his fists to the side of his head and points his two index fingers up to represent a batcowl. “Don’t you ever want to have, like, a normal life?”

Damian looks confused for a second and then quickly schools his expression to the neutral pokerface the kid constantly has on. “Its my birth right,” is Damian’s only reply. He hastily turns away and gets back to choosing a prize. He asks the man behind the counter for the toy shuriken and once its in his hand, he heads out the door, all without glances back at Ric. 

Ric speed walks to catch up with him. “I just think that maybe a 13 year old shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.” Ric says as he opens the door to his car.

“I’m not just a 13 year old,” Damian replies curtly as he enters the passenger’s seat. 

Once they’re both inside and on he road, Ric uses the opportunity to speak more freely about the topic. “Look, its just that, I don’t think its healthy for a kid your age to be following around a man who obviously needs some therapy and helping him beat people in the dead of night.” If Ric was going to do this, he had to be frank with the kid. Knowing Damian’s attitude, it would only close him off more if Ric tried to pull punches.

“I’m doing something good.” Damian explains simply. “There are people out there that need us, and Father needs a partner.”

“No he doesn’t, Damian.” Ric argues. “And you know it. There was a time when Batman worked alone and he was fine. Plus, you’re a kid and you deserve a chance at a normal life.”

“This life is my normal life, Grayson.” Damian counters with a little more force in his voice than usual.

“But it doesn’t have to be!” Ric says with just as much fire. He needs to stand his ground and make sure his words reach this kid. He spares a glance sideways to Damian. He looks, to put it nicely, uncomfortable. There’s a slouch in his posture that makes it look as if he wants the car seat to swallow him whole. Ric knows he was being just a little harsh, but Damian had to know the hard facts. He continues, “Damian, Bruce, he shouldn’t have let a bunch of children into his war. He just keeps picking up child soldiers and molding them for his Bat army. Don’t you think that’s a little messed up?”

Damian avoids eye contact and says nothing.

Ric sighs but keeps going. “I know what he’s trying to do is good, but he’s stealing your future away. You keep risking your life with him and that’s not right. You deserve a chance at being normal. And I…” Ric pauses. “I want to give you that.”

Damian perks up at the last sentence, his eyes staring into Ric’s own as if he was trying to solve a mystery. “What are you implying, Grayson?”

“I’m offering you a place to just be normal,” Ric says, hoping to hope’s end that Damian will understand and agree. “I don’t think I could live with myself if you got killed out there and I didn’t do anything to try and save you. You could have a life, a normal life, with a real future. Every kid deserves that chance.”

There’s a few seconds of silence as Damian tries to process the conversation. With the kid’s pokerface, its hard to tell exactly what going through his mind. The tension in the air is so thick that it could probably be cut with a knife. It takes another few minutes, but Damian finally responds. “What Father is doing is dangerous, but I chose this life too. He’s not forcing me to do anything.”

Ric keeps his eyes on the road but pinches the bridge of his nose. “Damian, you might think that your making your choice completely independently, but you aren’t. You’ve been with him all this time, but you’ve never lived a life that wasn’t in his shadow. And trust me Damian, I got shot in the head because of that guy. Is that what you want? You’re a kid, and you deserve a life that’s not a continuous tragedy.”

Damian lets out a little –tt- sound and says in a small voice, “I haven’t always lived in his shadow.”

Why can’t he just understand? “Damian, I know that’s not how you see it but—”

“No, Grayson.” Damian interrupts furiously. “You don’t know. I used to live with my mother and grandfather.”

“So you know what a life without the Bat could be like? You know that there are other ways to live? That it could be better—”

“My mother and grandfather were worse than him, Grayson.” Damian pronounces forcefully. It makes Ric’s train of thought come to a crashing halt. “I know its hard to believe, but right now, this is a best life I’ve had.”

The thought sends a shivering chill down Ric’s back. No child should ever have to have had it worse than that. Ric starts again with a low and comforting tone. “All the more reason you shouldn’t have to fight his war. The pressure you feel from his life is going to suffocate you, Damian. You are 13 and shouldn’t have to feel like you have to hold up the entire city. You could have a normal life.”

“But I’m not like other normal people, Grayson.” Damian argues softly. It seems as though the words are reaching him.

“Yes you are. Or you can be,” he tries to reason.

“And how is that supposed to look?” Damian bites back, but this time its with rage. There’s a poisonous, hurt look in Damian’s expression. “I go to a normal school? With normal kids? And I do normal after school activities like tennis and basketball? And I go back to my normal house, with my normal older brother? And we have normal dinner? And then go to bed like normal people would?”

There’s a second where Ric is tempted to say yes. Yes that is what it could be like, and then the kid wouldn’t have to worry about crimes and murders and guns, and Ric wouldn’t have to worry about not saving a kid who deserves a better life. They could do it together. They could heal from whatever hell of a life they’ve led together.

But he keeps that to himself, because if Damian’s furious expression is anything to go by, if he tries talking again he might get a toy shuriken to the face.

“You don’t know about the things I’ve done. I’m not like the normal children who go to school and live happy-go-lucky lives.” Damian hisses. “There are people out there I have hurt and who want to hurt me back too. What are you going to do when one of them shows up at the doorstep looking for blood? Is that something a normal person needs to deal with?”

“The police can—”

“The police won’t be able to stop the people I’ve crossed,” Damian deflates. “There is so much I’ve been through that normal people don’t. I can’t just wake up one morning and pretend it didn’t happen. I can’t just forget like you did.”

That last jab pulls at his heart. Its an insult if Ric’s ever heard one, but he doesn’t know whether to be mad or disappointed. He had thought that Damian didn’t mind that he didn’t remember. He thought that maybe he could have a real relationship with the kid, not just one based on the person he used to be. He didn’t know that Damian was carrying all this burden with him. The kid hides it too well. 

And suddenly it dawns on him.

He would have seen all of the hurt the kid had been hiding, had he been Dick Grayson.

The rest of the drive back to the manor is silent, and perhaps that’s for the better. As the car pulls up to the driveway, Ric thinks that he has definitely burned this bridge, just like he’s burned everything else by not remembering. 

But just as Damian exits the vehicle, he looks back at Ric. “Next week then?” he asks curtly. Its meant to be rude and grating, but there’s some longing in the question too. Ric has no idea what brought this on.

“As long as you still want to,” Ric says hopefully. As much as it hurts to care for a kid who’s constantly risking his life, Ric thinks it would hurt more to indefinitely cut ties with him.

Damian just gives an affirmative nod and walks away. But before he even enters the manor, the oak doors swing open.

“Damian, where the hell were you?” a teenager with a tired look says. Tim, Ric’s mind supplies. 

“Dude, you told me you were just going to be in your room,” another teenager, much taller and with a stronger build. Duke, Ric remembers.

“What I do is neither of your business.” Damian replies curtly as he pushes past the two and heads into the house. The older two teenagers share a concerned look, then Tim glances the way of the car and locks eyes with Ric. There’s something cold and bitter about the look he’s been given.

Tim goes up to the car and knocks on the window. Ric rolls it down. “Was he with you?”

“Just an arcade day,” Ric replies defensively. “He was the one who agreed on it. I didn’t kidnap him or anything.”

Tim rolls his eyes, still incredibly pissed off. He looks Ric in the eye with steely determination. “Be here tomorrow at 10am. That’s when Damian and Bruce will be out with the Kents. You and I need to talk.”

The teenager doesn’t even wait for a response. He simply turns and heads back into the house with Duke. Ric has a feeling he isn’t going to like this talk one bit.


	2. The Right Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how tf do you spell shuriken guys? AO3 keeps saying Im wrong.
> 
> Anyways, here's Tim chapter. The last bitter interaction Ric keeps thinking about is my other fanfic Hey Ric, its Tim here. I just needed a justifiable reason for Tim to be angry lolz.
> 
> Im also just kind og playing around with a lot of stylistic elements and its more of an experiment than anything so let me know what you think!

Ric is sitting in the library of the manor. Its been awhile since he was last here, but the only thing that has changed is the amount of dust that’s being collected on the books. Alfred’s funeral was just two weeks ago, and its still fresh on his mind. He got here at 9:45am, a little earlier than expected, but ever since yesterday, he’s been curious about what Tim had to say. Their last conversation had been…bitter.

On the arm chair of the couch is the toy shuriken Damian won at the arcade yesterday. The thought brings a smile to Ric’s lips. He was surprised but very much delighted that the kid still wanted to hang out with him after that heavy conversation. He hopes that Damian put a little more thought into their talk. He would love to have the kid around more. He idly picks up the shuriken and playfully twirls it around as he waits for Tim to get to the library.

The large wooden doors open and in comes a business dressed Tim Drake with a large mug of coffee in hand. “Thanks for letting him in Duke,” he says outwards to the hallway, then turns to Ric. “I didn’t expect you to be this early.”

Ric shrugs and twirls the toy shuriken on his fingers casually. “Couldn’t wait to hear what you had to say. The last time we talked, it didn’t end well.” He hopes that maybe he can amend this bridge too. He hopes that maybe if he can convince Tim that this life is stupidly dangerous, than Damian will follow. After all, it seemed like Tim was the more logical and sensible of the two. To put short, the older didn’t seem as blinded by Batman’s glory as the younger. The more of these kids he can save, the better.

“I didn’t ask you to come here to talk about what happened the last time we saw each other,” Tim replies in a very strict tone. It’s a little bit of a shock to Ric, to hear such a serious voice come out from such a young face. “I wanted to talk to you about Damian.”

Ric stops twirling the shuriken. “What about Damian?”

“I want you to stay away from him.” Tim answers bluntly, as if that sentence didn’t just send a whole barrel of emotions hurdling towards Ric like a tidal wave. “His relationship with Dick was what changed his life. If you aren’t prepared to care about him, then do everyone a favor and leave him alone. He’s been through a lot more than you can even imagine. More than any of us have. And when he finally realizes you don’t care about him, it’ll break him.”

Ric is very much offended by this. In his hand, he holds the toy shuriken tightly. “Of course I care about Damian! I wouldn’t be trying to get him out of this life if I didn’t care about him!”

“No, you _think_ you care.” Tim rebuts back, but he’s lost the business persona and traded it in for something much younger and full of cold fury. “But what you’re doing isn’t caring, its imposing. Its what Damian has had his whole life, from his mom, his grandfather, even Bruce, and he doesn’t need more of it from the one person that taught him it was okay to be himself.”

Ric wants to argue back, but Tim sets his coffee mug down on a table and keeps going. “I heard about what happened after you two went to the arcade yesterday. You told him that the life he was living wasn’t normal. And by all means, you’re right. Its not, but you have to understand that Damian isn’t your average 13 year old. He’s literally been through hell and back. You can’t expect him to conform your expectations of normal after all that. He’s trying his best to be his own person and he’s come a long way from when we first met. You can’t impose your idea of what he should be onto him, not after Dick gave him the power to choose who he wants to be.”

“Its not imposing to try and protect someone from the exact life that got me shot in the head in the first place!” Ric stands up to assert his stance. He’s angry because these people seem to be so caught up in this fight that they can’t see how messed up and wrong it is. They can’t see how following a grown man like Bruce and risking their lives isn’t good. Ric needs to make them see that. He needs to save them from the fate he almost suffered, that he _is_ suffering.

“So tell me then,” Tim demands. “Is this about him? Or is it about _you_? You don’t even know why he does it. You don’t know his history. You don’t know him. To you he’s just a random 13 year old that needs someone to look after him. But he’s not. Damian is so much more than just a kid and Dick knew that.”

Ric is appalled. _What the hell? Of course its about Damian._ He clutches the toy shuriken just a little tighter. “He’s only doing this because its what was forced fed into his life. Into your life too. Don’t you realize this doesn’t have to be your life? You can live a normal life. Just walk away from this.” Ric shouts back.

“Oh really? And how is that working out for you Ric? If its so great, then why are you here?” Tim yells, pointing out a painful truth.

“Because believe it or not, I care about you. All of you. And I don’t want to see any of you get hurt.” Ric tries to explain. There’s rigidness in his body language. He feels guilty for something but he doesn’t know what.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you care about people you don’t know?” Tim interrogates furiously, the crease in his brows remind Ric of another argument he’s had with the kid, but he doesn’t fully remember. “Why is it so important that we be safe? We know what we’re choosing, why are you forcing the issue? How can you care so deeply about people you don’t know?”

“I-I don’t know,” Ric stumbles on his answer. “Because it’s the right thing to do. I can’t just let kids rot away under his shadow. I won’t let him mess up Damian’s life too!”

Tim sighs and throws his hands up in defeat. “See there it is again,” Tim says, but his next words sound more wounded than mad. “You don’t even know who you’re trying to save, do you?”

Ric fiddles nervously with the shuriken in his hand. He wants to say yes. Yes of course he knows who he is trying to save. He’s trying to save Damian, and the other kids, like Tim and Duke, and whoever else there may be, from being swallowed whole by Batman’s damned crusade. But he doesn’t. Instead, he waits in silence. He wants to hear what Tim has to say.

“Ric, face the facts.” The tired teen urges. “This isn’t about Damian, or me, or any of the rest of us you can’t actually remember. This is about you and your bitterness against what happened.” If Ric looks closely, he thinks he can see Tim’s eyes watering just a tad. “Your upset that his war took away years of your life and you feel like that wasn’t your choice. But it was. Dick Grayson made that choice, even if you can’t remember it.”

Tim lets out a soft, wet huff. It makes Ric feel very, very bad. This is why he hates being around his so-called family. They always make him feel bad for not remembering.

“I can’t—,” Tim tries to start again but is cut off by a wet gasp. The teenager takes a minute to steady his voice then speaks again. “I can’t tell you that what we do is healthy or safe, or even sane. And maybe, maybe you’re right and this is just bad for us. But at least we’re doing something good with all the pain inside. After everything each of us has been through…after everything I’ve been through and the people I’ve lost along the way, there’s no way I can just walk away when I know I can still save people. I’m trying to do good with the hurtful feelings I’ve got inside. Turn it into something that’s not destructive to the other people around me.”

Tim levels a glare at Ric. “But you,” he continues. “You want to take away the one choice Damian feels like he has control over because it makes you feel bad. You want to pull us all out, but don’t even know the first thing that would entail. We have enemies and people we can’t run from. You are pushing your pain on to him and its only going to build up and tear him down when he realizes that you aren’t trying to save him because you care about him and his trauma and his choices. You are trying to save him because it’s the right thing to do, but you don’t understand him enough to know that what exactly is right for him. He’s different. We all are. That’s why we’re here.”

Ric can’t keep eye contact. He’s angry and upset and sad and confused all at once. Instead he looks down at Damian’s toy shuriken again. Of course he cares about Damian as a person. This isn’t about him. He’s just trying to save Damian from the goddman Batshadow that hangs over his life even when he can’t remember why its there. He’s trying to give Damian a future that every kid deserves, without the pain that Ric has been facing every since waking up. This isn’t about him. He’s doing the right thing.

He holds the toy shuriken just a little tighter.

He’s doing the right thing, right?

In front of him, Tim rubs his eyes. “I have to get to work. You can let yourself out.” The teenaged businessman gathers his things and heads to the door, leaving Ric standing like an idiot. Before he completely exits the room, he says “If you’re going to keep hanging out with Damian, make sure don’t let your pain build up and take him down with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! Duke is coming next!


	3. Care Any Less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this is the most pretentious piece of fanfiction i have ever written and idk whats going on but i wrote the dialogue first and kept going until I had something a little more coherent. 
> 
> Also I feel like you might be confused as to why Tim is so bitter, its because his last conversation with Ric is in my other fic "Hey Ric, its Tim Here" and is the only reason. Like I know if you jump head into this fic its crazy-OOC Tim, but yeaaah. woops. my bad.
> 
> But anyways, Duke chapter. Here y'all go.

Ric sits at the manor’s front porch. His car is waiting for him near the garage exactly where he parked it, but somehow it didn’t feel right to leave yet. He wants to fix this, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how he feels about what Tim said. He doesn’t know if he believes its true, but he can’t say its not true for some reason. He doesn’t know whether he even has a right to be near Damian anymore, much less the manor. For all he knows, this could be the last time he sees it.

He doesn’t want this to be the last time he sees it.

These thoughts roll over and over again in his head as he breathes in the cold Gotham air. There’s so much he wishes he could say, if only he could have found the right words to say them with. He looks down into the palm of his hand at the toy shuriken. He knows he should have left it inside, its Damian’s prize, but he really, really wants to hold on to it, like a lifeline.

There’s a creak of an opening door behind him and heavy steps coming near. Ric looks back and is met with Duke’s sad brown eyes. Great, the last thing Ric needs right now is another person hating him for not remembering who he is.

Ric expects a cold greeting, maybe a mournful acknowledgement, or even a hateful comment, but instead, it’s a somber, sympathetic tone that Duke uses. “Hey, you doing alright out here?”

Duke takes a seat on the porch next to Ric, leaving an arms distance between them. The kid has a huge, strong build but, there was also a friendly air about him, like he was someone you wanted to get to know. “I’m alright,” Ric lies.

“Huh.” Duke shrugs. Its obvious he doesn’t believe Ric in the slightest, but he doesn’t push him either.

The two of them sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the cold air. It’s the middle of autumn and the leaves are beginning to fall. Its nice and peaceful in a way that is almost nostalgic to Ric. Had it not been for everything, this would be nice.

“I, um,” Duke mumbles as he nervously rubbing his hands together for warm. “I wanted to apologize.”

That catches Ric by surprise. “For what?” No one’s every really apologized to him, not anyone from the Wayne family anyway.

“Damian didn’t tell Tim all that stuff about what happened.” Duke admits. “I did.”

“Damian probably would have told Tim eventually though,” Ric brushes off the apology. “Its doesn’t really matter. Tim was going to be upset either way, especially after the way I left things with him back at the WE building.”

“No.” Duke asserts gently and looks down. “Damian would have never told Tim any of those things. Not in a million years. He’d protect you from anyone’s blasphemous sayings for as long as he lives. He always loved you most.”

Ric thinks he can share that sentiment. So far, Damian is the one he cares for the most, maybe almost loves too. He shuffles his seat a little bit more to face Duke better, “If Damian didn’t want that information shared, why did you share with Tim?”

Duke sighs and rubs his hands over his head. “I think I might be the closest one to him, after you. I might be the only one he’d be willing to open up to that’s around right now anyways.” He supplies. “But I don’t know how to help him.”

“So you told Tim because Tim probably had a better shot at finding a way to help Damian?” Ric tries to follow.

“Yeah.” The teen says idly. “Steph and Jason try but it only every really works when everything is just right. Cass tries too but I think the silence and respect in their relationship is important. Tim begrudgingly wants to help but Damian would never let him. Bruce is…not good right now for various reasons. And I definitely won’t know how to help him. Tim was the only one around I could turn to.” Duke takes a deep breath and turns to look Ric in the eyes. “But I’m sorry he had to chew you out like that.”

“You heard?” Ric wonders.

“Its kind of hard not to have heard that screaming match. I’m the only other person at the manor today. Damian and Bruce are out with the Kents, Cass and Steph don’t even live here. And Alfred is….” Duke lets himself trail off. “We’re all still trying to get used to not having him around.”

“I’m sorry,” Ric says. Part of him wishing he could mourn like Duke and everyone else seems to be mourning, but how can he when he barely remembers who Alfred is?

“I get it, you know?” Duke suddenly says out of the blue.

“Get what?”

“I get why you want us out of this life. I’m not going to lie, its crazy doing what we do. And incredibly dangerous. I don’t think my parents would have liked the lifestyle I chose,” Duke admits solemnly. “Out of everyone, I’m pretty confident I’m the most emotionally balanced. Trust me, you’re right. Its nuts here.”

A small laugh escapes Ric’s lips. This teen is funny. “So why do you do it then?

Duke sighs. “Its complicated.”

“Then un-complicate it,” Ric urges. He wants to know why a kid like Duke would ever choose this life knowing full well how damned it really is.

“You’re not Dick Grayson.” Duke states plainly, but no matter how many times he is reminded of this fact it still hurts for Ric to hear it. “I may not have known him as well as the others did, but I knew him well enough to know that you aren’t him. You’re here, but you aren’t trying to remember us, are you?”

There’s uncertainty in Duke’s voice, like he’s hoping that maybe Ric will say something and prove him wrong. But everything Duke said was right. Ric doesn’t want to remember his life from before. Its too dark, too painful. Ric merely nods in confirmation.

Duke continues. “You feel bad about not being Dick Grayson, about leaving everyone behind to fend for themselves, and that eats up your conscience. Because even if you don’t know anything and don’t understand what we do and why we do it, you still feel responsible for us. You feel responsible because you aren’t Dick Grayson anymore and people needed someone like him.”

“Its not my fault I got shot in the head,” Ric resounds, but he’s more trying to assure himself than anyone else.

“I’m not saying it was, I’m just pointing out the differences,” Duke is quick to amend. Ric still feels hurt by it though. “But that’s the thing. The big difference between the two of you is that Dick was here because he cared about other people. He kept track of his friends and family because he cared. He understood the pain we felt and thats why he understood what we did and why we did it.”

Ric can…kind of see what he’s saying. He doesn’t fully understand their pain, but somehow, deep down he knows he’s the same. That there’s scars and wounds (both emotional and physical) that once connected all of them. Now, well Ric isn’t so sure anymore.

But that doesn’t mean Ric cares any less.

“You don’t understand us, do you?” Duke asks genuinely, and Ric can’t completely deny that fact, can he? “You’re here because you feel bad. You aren’t trying to get to know us. If you were, you’d want to know about why we have the scars we do and not just chalk it all up to Batman being an awful guardian. I know for a fact that it wasn’t all him. You’re not trying to know us, you’re trying to pull us out of the life so that you can sleep better at night.”

Maybe Duke’s right, but in the grand scheme of things, did that fact really matter? Wasn’t it more important to for them to live rather than argue about the intricacies of whether Ric could understand them or not?

But Duke has a point too. How can he care about people he doesn’t really know? How can he ask someone who’s lived through as much Damian, heck as much as they all have, to suddenly adjust to a new normal and expect things to go smoothly? Duke is right when he says Ric doesn’t understand their pain, and maybe Tim is right too when he said Ric wouldn’t know what to do when their pain bleeds through and they need someone to talk to it about. He doesn’t carry the same burdens they do anymore.

But that doesn’t mean Ric cares any less.

“Dick Grayson once told me the most important part to being Robin was family. You’re right to think that he lived a life full of burden and worrying everyday that he would lose someone,” Duke keeps talking, “but Dick carried that burden because he cared and he understood us.”

Once again, Ric feels like he’s stolen someone else’s body, someone else’s face, and when the people that claim to be his family look at him, all they see is a thief who’s taken someone else’s life.

“You don’t want to understand this life, you’ve made that abundantly clear,” Duke accuses gently, and Ric knows its true. He wants as far away from this life as possible and to bring along anyone he can so maybe he can save their lives too. If he can pretend like this life had never existed, maybe he could live without feeling like he’s a shell of someone else.

Duke continues with a small sigh. “You want our lives to be convenient to you. You don’t want to understand. You just want to stop feeling bad.”

_No, that’s not true_ , Ric wants to whisper. He doesn’t understand, doesn’t want to know about the crazed darkness he once lived in, for fear knowing will pull him back, make him realize why Dick lived the way he did. But going back meant danger, meant possibly dying again, and he just got his life back. He can’t live with himself knowing he left kids there to die just like he nearly did, but he can’t go back either. Because deep down, he knows if he does he might not come out a second time.

But that doesn’t mean Ric cares any less.

“I get where you’re coming from. I really do,” Duke tries to repair the brokenness they both feel. “Everything these guys do, its crazy, sometimes its stupid, and a lot of the time it just doesn’t make sense to risk everything when the bad just keeps coming back. But thats who we are, what we believe. Thats who Batman taught us to be, and once upon a time, thats who you were.”

“I’m not that guy anymore,” Ric states, keeping his eyes away from Duke, as if that could shield him from the pain he knows he’s caused.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean we care about you any less,” Duke replies. Ric…doesn’t know what to say. “We all still care, you know? Or at least we try to. Tim is just trying to do his best and protect Damian, and himself as well. Its hard for us too, when someone you care about sees you—“

“But doesn’t really understand you.” Ric finishes the sentence. He thinks he understands now though, because that’s what he feels like every time he’s around these people. They see Dick, but they’ve never tried to understand Ric.

Duke glances at Ric with something akin to realization in his eyes. “Heh, yeah,” is all he has left to say.

Silence engulfs them as the two try to process their feelings and what’s been said and revealed. It’s a lot, and its painful, and broken, and somehow both true and not true.

This conversation still hasn’t swayed Ric though. The lives they lead were lethal, and no kid should ever have their childhood replaced by that. But to help them, he needs to understand their pain, their darkness, and in turn, begin to uncover his own again. He’s not sure if he’s ready to give up his clean slate just yet.

But a part of him thinks maybe he cares too much to let that get in the way.

Because he cares. Ric cares about these stupid people more than he can understand himself. He knows he must care, because if he didn’t, then their disappointment and pain wouldn’t hurt him as much as it did.

“Its chilly out,” Duke gets up from the porch and turns to head to the Manor. “I gotta head downtown soon, but you’re welcome to stay in the Manor if you like.”

Ric just nods. “Thanks,” he says. _For everything_ goes unsaid.

As Duke heads back into the Manor, Ric looks at Damian’s toy shuriken in his hand. He doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t know if he ever will. He’s not sure if he’ll ever be enough.

But he won’t give up; he cares too much to give up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just trying to play around with writing styles. Last on the list is Damian if I ever get to him.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments, shouts, constructive criticism and all that jazz is welcomed! Thanks for reading.


End file.
